Two Weeks and Life Has Really Handed A Curve Ball

It is amazing at just how fast things can change. One minute you think that everything is going ok…well as ok as it can be. The timing of the unexpected is what really rattles you and turns your whole world upside down. The last two weeks have gone so incredibly fast and I have to process, accept, act, be strong, and try to be as positive and ready as one can be. When I let you in my little world in this blog post…please don’t think for one minute I am pushing my faith on you. I am only telling you my experience and what has gotten me through this very unpredicted time.

I went in for Mammogram on a Friday. I figured that since I just had an exam things would be fine and there were no worries. Next thing I know the lady was talking about an ultra sound. I am like I have to do that now. She said yes. I knew that something wasn’t right. The lady in the ultra sound was very grim and it was so quiet. I am sitting her in tears not understanding what is going on. The nurse comes to get me. My husband is in the waiting room with my daughter and I let them both be in the waiting room as I didn’t want my daughter to hear anything. I was told that there was a 3 CM Density that had to have a biopsy. They called the surgeons office and I was to go in on Monday.

So Monday I went into the surgeons office thinking this is just a consult and that the biopsy would probably be scheduled another day. She did her own ultrasound and said there was no way around this, that I had to have a biopsy. It was going to be scheduled right then and there. Well I was a nervous wreck as I braved this appointment alone. I was terrified of not being numb for the biopsy as I did have a different type of biopsy that went bad and I felt everything. So I was brave and I went ahead and did the biopsy. The surgeon got it right…I was numb!! Those darn needles I think were the worst thing through the process. So once the biopsy was done I had to wait for results.

Waiting for the results was the hardest thing. She didn’t really go into details at the time of what she thought it could be. She never did release the biopsy results or her own comments from the ultrasound that she did. I did see the hospital ultrasound results and at that point it said it is highly suggestive of a malignancy. I cried so hard when I saw that. I prayed and prayed to be given peace and comfort through this. At that moment I felt peace and comfort. I even accepted that this could possibly be cancer. Now I won’t lie I was a nervous wreck waiting on those results. The results are that the sample itself was NOT cancer. However, there are precancerous cells found. The nurse then said that the doctor would know that I would be very frustrated to hear what came next. Yes she was right….I told the nurse in my sarcastic voice that I didn’t like the surgeon very much at this moment. Of course we laughed… I was told that I had to have surgery to remove the area of concern. So that was scheduled for the following Friday. There was a chance that there was cancer near by. So the surgery was necessary.

Yes this past Friday I had my surgery. Let’s just say I don’t think any of them in the hospital will forget me. I had to add humor so I wasn’t going to lose my mind. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me and I asked him if I would have that horrible tube up my nose when I woke up. He was like no that is if they are draining your stomach. I was like ok Whew!! He said you will have a breathing tube down your throat…and I was like that will be out before I wake up right….. I won’t wake up with it right….. he said no it would be out. I said good because I don’t want to wake up like a crazy lady ripping something out. They gave me valium to calm my nerves…. next thing I knew they talked about pumpers on my legs… I was like pumpers??? Those are a machine that keeps the blood flowing… I was ok with that….It actually was really relaxing. So they came to get me so they could put a wire in….where the titanium marker was…I was so afraid I wouldn’t be numb….

The ultra sound lady comes to get me… I was like I don’t think I like you guys right now with those needles…. she said well blame the doctor… I said well she is on my list already….lol So she had me get on this ackward bed that had a whole in the middle…I had to lay on my stomach and my boob was hanging in this hole. Nothing like the world seeing your boob dangle….They put in the numbing…peace of cake…the wire and the die went in….they told me that during the surgery the titanium marker and wire would be removed. I said wait a minute…. I won’t be able to say I have titanium boobs anymore….Oh boy did they all laugh…. So they took me to do a mammogram to make sure everything was ok. When it was finished I said BEST mammogram ever….I didn’t feel anything….. Went back to my room to wait….surgeon pops in and she wouldn’t talk to me about the things I wanted to. I have to wait patiently for these results to come in…. I did tell her that I don’t think I like her to much right now….her response was I don’t think I like your boob to much right now…. my response…. Well I guess we are even then…. Again we were laughing…. See you have to understand we have this joke because I was sent to see a Rhumatologist and I had mentioned that my boobs were having a civil war…. well I guess they don’t hear that kind of humor because well….it was in my charts…. we laughed and laughed when she told me. That is a whole other story.

So next thing I know they come in to get me some anti nausea medicine and something to calm me. I was like ummm how much more calmer and relaxed do you need me….I was to breathe and I was out like a light. I woke up to a noisy recovery room. I was freezing too and ready to run outside where it was hot and humid and the next minute I would probably melt… They took me to short stay and I was there for no m ore then 10 minutes. I wasn’t going to eat crackers, toast, or jello as that so didn’t sound appealing. I wanted a sub sammy!! I did get to have a soda and let the caffeine start draining into my veins!! Of course they wouldn’t let me go until I peed. I swore I didn’t think that was possible… I was out of there and ready to come home. I even stopped at game night at church. I was feeling pretty good. So here I am again waiting for results to come this week. Only this time it is much easier as I know it is going to be one of two things…..

One thing I know is that in the early and pre stages of breast cancer a lumpectomy….which it is also called something else but I can’t think of it…..is just as successful as if I had a my boob removed….Well I can’t even imagine that right now nor do I want too. I don’t know that it is something I could handle. I have a hard enough time with insecurities now that would just be totally worse. I did some reading on the atypical hyperplasia cells….. I think this was caught early as they didn’t have to biopsy or take out any lymph nodes….. so I don’t think it is an evasive form of cancer…if it is….well how do you prepare to hear something like that….I can’t even think to prepare myself. So let me tell you how I think it’s going to come out and my family doctor said I have a good grasp with my thinking….it’s either going to be precancerous cells that were found that didn’t form into full blown cancer yet, or there is going to be a cancer spot that is confined to one area. Either way from what I found out I probably will be seeing an oncologist. If it is precancerous cells I will be put on a preventive medicine to reduce my chances of breast cancer. If it is cancer I think the next step is radiation. ¬†Either way I am ready for what comes next.

You probably are thinking why are you not thinking more positive through this….well first of all if I would have, I would have set myself up for disappointment because the fact is there are precancerous cells that were found. There is more that is coming…. Had I not prepared myself I would have been a wreck even more. So for me it was easier to accept the worst and hope for the best. I mean if there isn’t anything I have to do after this…then PRAISE GOD!! I would by lying if I said there isn’t….So as you can see in the last two weeks I have had to process quickly. For me this is not normal. I am still processing this… and wondering what my kids and my husband are really thinking. They hide it all well… my kids really have no questions for me…my husband well if I talk about it he listens. I don’t know where he is with the acceptance of this. He says he isn’t going anywhere no matter what happens. So while I try to balance my own emotions of being strong and wondering what they are thinking it breaks me on the inside….on the inside I just want to break down crying and scream this isn’t fair…. well I also want to yell at myself because I didn’t have a mammogram in two years and this grew 3 CM. I think I have taught my kids acceptance for something that is so hard to accept. I have taught them strength, peace, and comfort. I think I have taught them to be positive no matter the outcome.

Again I am still processing…. there were appointments that needed to be made before this all happened…..now they are pending on results…. I feel like I had to take things day by day…I don’t know why I feel this…as the surgeon removed the area of concern…. I guess it is the unknown of not really knowing what is coming next…. I have an idea…. just don’t know. I also have this overwhelming emotion of having a second chance at things. Not that I did anything wrong. I have this whole new perspective on things. I want to cherish each minute even more then I did before. Part of me is scared knowing that my risks are that much higher to get breast cancer in future….then my mind wanders and I begin to wonder what other cancer risks do I have now. So as you can see things are still a process. So all I can do is take one speed bump at a time.

I do have to say that I have wonderful friends and family who have been there for me the last two week. The one important thing that has meant the world was just listening to what I have had to say. It wasn’t I don’t know how to help you….or I don’t know what I would do…..Or you should do this…. it was listening very carefully to what I had to say and not brushing it off that has meant the most to me. I may have even driven them crazy but they have kept quiet about that….lol I am thankful and blessed to have such a great support system!

If you have read this far Thank you!! ¬†One thing I have to say and I cannot say it enough….don’t blow off the mammograms!! Early detection is the key!!

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