Kathy from Strawberry Seeds actually inspired me to write this…

Living in a small town is hard. As every one knows everyone and of course if you didn’t grow up here or your not some important figure you really don’t fit in. Well I can tell you I didn’t grow up here and I am nobody of importance. Just a mom who is raising three kids. One whom has Autism. Up until recently I use to cringe going out in public with my son. Now don’t go getting an idea that I feel like my son is an embarassment or I hate taking him out in public. He would act out. I would get called names. He wouldn’t listen to me. I would find myself frustrated and of course raising my voice and yelling. Yes when I am mad I yell. I am working on that though and have gotten better. I get frustrated and overwhelmed easily. When the behaviors would happen I would feel so small. People would give me looks and I am sure talk amoungst themselves. I can only imagine what they were saying.

I can be kinda ditzy, flaky, or even have a blonde mind. If they really knew me they would know that I am a good person. If I can help someone out I will. When I am mad… oh you better watch out… I tell you like it is with out thinking.  We all have our faults. I try to do the best I can. When these behaviors happen I feel like yelling hey until you walk in my shoes and deal with what I deal with on a daily basis don’t you dare judge me. No one knows what I go through. They only see what happens in that moment of time. It’s a shame that people have to judge that moment in time.

Don’t get me wrong Dakota has behavior issues that need to be fixed. That we are working on. Learning how to deal with the Autisim is always a challenge. Working with all the med changes is another. Sometimes it is really hard to identify where exactly the behavior is coming from.

Recently Dakota’s meds were changed. He was happy and wanting to do things. He socializes better. Where before he didn’t want to at all. He still has times where he needs his time alone. Things have gotten alot better lately. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am seeing something now on the meds. Our next visit is two weeks. Well less then two weeks now. They are barable. I have hope. I just hope that we don’t go backwards again as that normally seems to happen alot. Things go good for a while and then WHAM  your taking steps backwards.

I am going to do one thing. I am going to stop caring what people thing here in this town or anywhere else. I am not meaning that in a mean way. As they don’t live in my shoes so they really have no right to judge me. I am thankfully for the friends that I do have that understand that Dakota has special needs. They have the patience and understanding and the best part is they don’t judge me or Dakota. Knowing that makes me happy alone. I am going to learn to walk with my head high and just not let them bother me. I don’t really go out of my way to talk to others in town. When I do sometimes I feel like inserting foot in mouth biting down chewing thouroghly. LOL Anywhoots. I am going to be me and either they are going to accept it or not. If they don’t it’s their  problem not mine.

I have wanted to say this for so long and just never did. I use to really care what people think. I didn’t want people to think my kid was this bad kid or had bad parents. It’s a shame when your always worried about what others think. I can’t change who I am for someone else because I care what they think. I am who I am.

Oh Kathy and I know all to well about the gossip of a small town. LOL I can so relate. Don’t get me wrong I am sure we are all guilty of gossipping. But sometimes people gossipp and they just don’t really know the reason for it nor do they understand. They make a big deal out of nothing. I am sure I was the talk of the town with the park incident. If only those people knew just how much my hands are full!

Writing this gave me a better perspective. I know I don’t want to be judged so I am going to try my best not judge others too. Again I don’t walk in their shoes and vice versa. I am going to stop caring what they think and live my life! I know I have fun!!

Ok I am going to stop rambling as I write this I find myself thinking and repeating what I have already said. There now it felt good to get it off my chest.

No related posts.

15 Responses to “Being Judged…”